Asian Women in 21st Century (I)
In the traditional Asian culture, the role of a woman was to look after the husband, raising the children, respecting the parents. In any public occasion, women had to stand behind their men. They couldn’t freely speak .
Time has changed. Mao Zhedong said, women should share half of the sky. Nowadays, women no longer need to rely on men to survive; women can be independent; women have opportunity to run a business; women can build up themselves; women are protected by the law and the society. They can live with own will
However the liberation of women’s social status have made some women believe they don’t need men at all. Women can do anything men do. For example: men can run business, so can women. Men can be CEO, many women achieved that, too. Men could go to club with friends and get themselves drunk, so can women. Men can build and fix the house, women can do it without men’s help. Men can focus on the career without worrying about the family, many women do exactly the same. Many men don’t believe marriage anymore, neither do many women. In a word, many women become more masculine
The contrast between traditional Asian women and the Asian women in 21 century is huge. Some people are still missing the traditional character . Some people believe modern women are more interesting. No matter what people expect, time has changed, so has people. For many Asian women, the challenge is to keep the positive influence from the traditional culture, while taking advantage of what modern society has offered, striving to balance and achieve the best.
I was born and raised in China, having been living in Australia for over 30 years. Personally I experienced the change as an Asian female. In next few articles , I like to share my observation and experience how to be an Asian woman in 21 century.
The first change I have seen in Asian women is their independence.
- To be mentally independent.
Old time, women were not supposed to make big decision. Most time their parents, or husbands made decisions for them. In Asian culture, women like to share their emotion, their life with people around them, including family and circle of friends. These two characters decided Asian women had the culture of relying on others mentally. When a woman is asked to make a decision, it is not uncommon to hear her reply : “ I must ask my parents” , or “ I need to talk to my friends” Unfortunately advise from family or friends often make thing more complicated. While modern Asian women have changed this mentality. They become more and more independent in thinking, decision and judgement.
- To be emotional independent.
Many Asian women used to rely on men’s love and their children to get happiness. Without them, they feel lonely and insecure. Once feeling insecure, they lose the drive to do other things. However modern Asian women know how to balance their emotion, being self-sufficient. They pursuit different interests, they join different social group. Through the activities, they find their value, being happy and content. With or without men, with or without their children, they survive well.
- To be financially independent.
In China, some young , pretty women still dream to be a rich man’s concubines so they can run an easy life, to have the supply without hard working. By doing that, they often pay big price, including their pride, freedom and respect from others. However modern women believe it is not too difficult to provide a good life style by themselves, as long as they work hard, knowing the principle of money management. Financial independence not only displays a woman’s ability and attitude, it also wins respect from men.
10 Things Women Don’t Want Men To Know:
- Women love attention from men. So they flirt whenever there is opportunity. In order to attract attention, women like to send mixed message to men: On one hand they show interest, on the other hand they show hesitation. Many married women, or women who already have a stable relationship are reluctant to tell strange men that they are already taken. A woman likes to feel that she is desirable regardless of her age, background and relationship status.
- Women like compliment .Smooth talking and promises from a man make a woman’s heart beat fast. Part of a woman’s DNA program is to respond to a potential mate and encourage him to advance further with her, so the right words will open many doors!
- Women like to talk about feelings, love and stories to anyone, including friends, ex-boy friends, colleagues, or even someone they just met from bus stations. Women have a need to express their deepest feelings as part of their existence.
- Women need emotional security. They hate those men who are slow in commitment, or reluctant to talk about love. Because these men make them feel insecure. When feeling insecure, many women will open the door and seek other options with other men. Woman nurture and they are the nesters so make sure you provide a sense of protection for their heart and you will need to openly speak and show your love!
- Women are easier to be influenced. Most women have network of friends. When making decision, they check with friends. Friends’ opinions influence strongly in their judgment and decision. Always easier if a woman’s friends like you!
- Women are driven by a need for emotional intimacy. Many decisions they make are based on emotion. Their happiness is also relied on emotional satisfaction. Gentle, soft, kind words help to create a sense of togetherness, safety, support and sensuality.
- Many women like tall men. However men with confidence, charm, wisdom, politeness and a sense of humor become even more attractive. Women like to think they are very cool. No man ever lost a woman because he was able to make her laugh and made her feel that she was the best thing that ever happened to him!
- Women are much more romantic than men. Fairy-tale love stories touch women of all ages. Even an 80 years lady would feel sweet if she receives flower from men. When a man forgets to deliver flowers on Valentine’s Day, he will be in black list. Flowers, small gifts will win many women’s hearts.
- Women to fall more easily in love and out love. When a relationship finishes, women don’t cry too long to fall in love again. This is because thanks to their female network and a woman’s openness about emotion. This may surprise some men but woman can recover more quickly than men who often grieve for much longer (they never speak about it to anyone!).
- Many women always have motherly nature inside. Often they treat husband like children. They look after them, discipline them and change them, exactly like what they are doing to their children
10 Things Men Don’t Want Women To Know:
1. Men are visual and physical. They would chase a woman only when they are visually aroused. No matter how hard it is , men will try everything to win her heart. However men will be lazy, or do nothing if a woman can’t physically bring attraction to them. Man’s line is: If the cover is not interesting, why would I want to read the book?
2. Men make quick judgment when they meet a woman. “Either there or never.” Usually they don’t change this judgment even they have spent long time with that woman. Scary but true!
3. Before finding the right one, men will use women sexually . But he will tell the truth if she has courage to ask directly and openly about his attention. Woman can be equal and even the boss if she is brave enough.
4. Men’s hearts go through their ego! They fall in love when the ego is satisfied, or they fall out of love if the ego is challenged. To lift up men’s ego, women should praise them, recognize their achievements, and ask for their help. Works every time.
5. Men need their freedom and space, including spending time on their own, or with their friends, or being messy at home. They feel threatened if women take freedom and space away from them.
6. Men hate arguing with women. Too many arguments will push them away from relationship. They expect women to provide a peaceful land, so they can take a rest after fighting and winning in the real world. Sometimes their departure has no notice, no warning…and whoosh they are gone physically. Warning: actually they will have left emotionally long before.
7. Men do not keep their initial excitement very long. They will slow down, becoming too contented and sometimes even being lazy after knowing a woman for few months. Do not expect romantic dinner, nice flowers and smooth talking forever. Too much familiarity kills the newness and dulls the fuse.
8. Men are hunters. Naturally they like chasing women….they actually enjoy the journey and sometimes lose interest after reaching the destination of sex. A woman can kill the chasing by talking too much about her personal details or taking the mystery out of the journey. Men live through the heart and emotions (even though they keep them well hidden) and lose interest when having to think too much!
9. Men like to teach women something. They believe it is part of their role as a “Knight in shining armour” riding to the rescue. But if women teach men, they believe it is whinging.
10. Men don’t like too many things being discussed at the same time. Never discuss love and commitment when they are watching TV, or discussing their jobs or hobbies. Men focus on things they can actually do and not on things that are hard to grasp….like love!
Happiness is the choice
It is not just the choice of a partner, a sweet relationship also relies on the choice of our attitude to deal with the person we have found. That’s even more important , because it decides whether and how long you can enjoy the real peace and happiness .
Most people are very cautious when they just meet someone whom they are attracted to. They don’t want to lose the person by saying, or doing the wrong thing. In order to win the heart, they are tolerant and humble. They like to show the best part of themselves, including the presentation, job, achievements, etc. They are extremely sensitive to partner’s reaction. They do these, because inside they are not secure.
Usually constant efforts can impress the partner. Seeing the response and emotional attachment from the partner, they suddenly feel secure and relaxed. They no longer need to work that hard, nor to be too cautious, or too sensitive. Instead of sweet talk, they become critical and demanding. Â They are lack of drive to please the partners, etc.
Many times, I have heard the expression : He/she has changed ; or He/she is so different from the early days when we just met.
It is human nature that we don’t appreciate the things we already achieved, or we stop appreciating the people who are close to us. This human nature can be the virus to attack friendship, relationship and marriage.
Therefore, in order to avoid the attack, we have to acknowledge the nature , knowing this nature can hurt . And then it is our attitude and choice how to deal with this human nature. For instance, if you choose to appreciate the person you have found, even though time you may lose excitement about him/her, yet you will constantly remind yourself that if you continue to argue, criticise, or demand unreasonably, he/she will go.
There is nothing in this world can be guaranteed. This choice will make you be sensitive about his/her needs and emotion, his/her reaction towards what you say, or what you do. This choice will also make you care and forgiving. You will allow him/her to have space to be himself. Occasionally you will do nice things to surprise him/her. With the choice, there will be less argument, more harmony. The love will be growing.
However there are some people who naturally take things and people for granted. Once feeling secure and in control, they become difficult , intolerant and critical. They aggressively protect own interests without concerning partners’ needs and emotion. They like to change people to the way they want them to be. They often compare own marriage with others, feeling unsatisfied. They consciously know what they are doing is spoiling the relationship. It is their choice. But who cares? Separation is not a threat.
To be happy , or not is the choice. Having been a match-maker for over 20 years, I have seen many facets in relationship and marriage. I have seen people are desperate for love. I have seen tears and heart-breaks. I have seen separation and divorce. I also have seen many wonderful, harmonious relationships and marriage. As outsider, these stories are entertaining. But there is no fun for those who are struggling.
Chinese always believe fate. To be together is regarded as fate. This fate is achieved because we put price in, including our emotion, time, money, etc. Do we really want to lose so easily? Couple of days ago, I went to the local post office. There was a gentleman in another counter to be served. Before leaving, he quietly said to the clerk: I have only 12 months to live. Please pray for me.
Nothing can be granted in this world. It is our choice to appreciate what we have achieved. It is our choice to appreciate the love one we used to work hard for. Truly it is the matter of choice!
The Security Women Are Looking For
Most men understand women need security. They also understand women like men who can offer financial security, providing good life style. So when a man is successful, he is confident. He dares to love, dares to offer and dares to make a commitment. When a man is poor, he has no confidence, feeling very unattractive. Therefore in dating, he seems withdrawn or hesitates.
I wouldn’t say men are completely wrong about their understanding. But I’d say they haven’t got the bottom line of the security lot of women need. Security for many women is not the money, at least not for modern and intelligent women. They are educated, hard-working and doing very well in the career, established own financial security. For them, emotional security is much more important.
Let’s take a look at some examples.
In modern society, women enjoy sex as much as men do. But from a women’s perspective, sex means differently from what it does to men. A man can enjoy sex simply for physical pleasure. One-night stands or visiting prostitutes is not strange or immoral for men. Men can easily separate sex and love.
But women always connect sex with emotion. They won’t let a man touch them if they do not have some level of emotional attachment, let alone having sex with him. Because of emotional attachment, after having sex, many women feel emotionally vulnerable. They are sensitive about being used sexually. They hope the boyfriend is not having affairs with other women. They don’t want to see their boyfriend keep looking at the waitress in the restaurant. They watch everything the boyfriend does or says. For them, financial security is not that important.
Often when a man gets too committed to work, his girlfriend will say to him, “Don’t work too hard. I don’t care whether you have money or not.” This statement is from her heart. She needs his time and attention more than his money.
Many women choose to leave their rich boyfriends because they have been ignored. A man can be busy socializing with friends, pursuing interests or watching his favorite TV program. He doesn’t want the girlfriend to stop him, or accuse him. Therefore he can deliberately ignore girlfriend, by not ringing her, or inviting her to join him. Many women are very annoyed by that. At that time, financial security is the last thing they worry about. All they concern is whether the boyfriend still loves them.
All these examples demonstrate financial security is no longer the major concern when a woman is seeking a partner. What makes her heart beat faster is the love she feels and the care she receives. Many men do not have lot of money. Some only spend little on their girlfriend. But they are more popular to women than some rich men, because they know how to look after women’s emotional security.
Guys: money never buys hearts or love. Sometimes the more money you spend, the less respect you may receive in return. It is better to attract women with your understanding of their real needs.
Watching Men’s Action More Than Listening to Their Words
Women love to talk about relationship, especially those who are dating. Often I hear the following conversation between women:
He told me he has never met anyone like me
He said he missed me when I am not around
He told me he is only seeing me.
He doesn’t love me, because he never says so
I don’t know whether he is interested in long-term. He never talks about the future with me.
These comments came from different women. Commonly they all tried to judge men’s interest in them merely by what men said to them. Perhaps that’s why lot of women were miss-led in relationship.
Watching men’s action rather than just listening to the words’ helps women to make a better judgement.
Men don’t naturally express emotion. At the very least, they don’t talk about emotions at the same rate as women. If they sweetly talk to women, it may be driven by physical interest or when they feel insecure. Most sweet talks happen at the initial stage of the relationship.
Once men feel comfortable in the relationship, their true nature takes charge. Men start feeling shy when talking about emotion. To some men, it is hard to say, I love you. It is even harder they are expected to say these words all the time.
I used to have a male client. He almost lost his beloved girlfriend, because for six months he never told her that he loved her. When I asked him why, his excuse was that he had never found the right time to say it. Of course no one believed him. I love you only takes 2 seconds.
From sweet talk to no talk, women often get confused. They don’t know how to judge their boyfriend’s emotion. To make a better judgement, women should learn to watch a man’s actions, even when he carries on sweet talks.
For instance, when a man is giving compliments or making promises, his partner shouldn’t get too excited until he does these constantly and proves himself trustworthy after 3 months of the relationship. When a man is always available on Saturday for his partner, he must be serious about her.
If a man is keen to introduce his girlfriend to his friends and family, he must be thinking about commitment.
When a man takes interest in her family and friends, he must believe there is future between them.
When a man is willing to hold off being intimate while still being interested in developing the relationship, he must have recognised her as wife material.
Action is the best way for men to express their emotions. Behind a man’s action lies his interest, his intention and the potential change. Watching his actions may take more time and require more patience to form a judgement. That is why it is far better and usually more accurate.
A cup of coffee with beautiful smile will make the day for your man
Little Things Are Important For a Big Man
John was a charismatic man. He could make friends so easy wherever he went. He was successful in business and good looking, too.
We introduced so many women to him. These women were pretty, young, interesting, etc. But after meeting them, his feedback was: “Eva, not yet. Just keep the good job for me”. Honestly I was confused for what he was looking for.
One day John attended to our dinner party. He was the centre in his table. People loved to listen to his stories and jokes. Certainly he loved the attention, too. There was a lady quietly sitting next to John, listening to the conversation with nice smile. She happened to see John’s reading glasses on table, which was bit dirty. Quietly she cleaned it with her handkerchief and put it back to the table. While kept talking and laughing, John saw the little thing this lady did for him. He was quite impressed.
The next day, he came to my office, asking for her phone number. Honestly she wasn’t the most beautiful lady we had introduced to John, neither the youngest, nor the best educated. A small thing she did made john see the heart. He knew immediately this was the one he wanted.
After knowing each other few more months, John decided to marry her. Now they are living in a beautiful city near Sydney with their son.
Men never appear to women they care about little things. They portrait themselves as tough, masculine, sometimes rough creatures. In business world, they strive to win. So they have to be strong. But deep inside, they can be sensitive and even vulnerable. Coming home with the partner, men need a rest. They like to know they are appreciated and cared. Whoever they marry with, they need to know the woman is able to provide love and care.
Therefore they can be quite observant to the small things, just like John. They watch small things women do for them and believe that’s the display of love from women. Later this observation weighs heavily to their decision to marry.
Being caring and loving doesn’t mean women need to look after men like a mother, or a big sister. Neither need they give men 100% attention. All they need to do is small things, the things which are ignored easily, like cooking a simple, but nice dinner, making small cakes, taking them to a light movie, etc. All these won’t cost too much, but will win the heart of a good man!
Space For A Man
One of the reasons men are hesitant about marriage is the fear of losing their space.
Women need friends because they like to have support. Men need friends because they like to relax from the stress, created either by work or relationship. With friends, women like to talk about emotions, while men hardly discuss their relationships; at least not with the ones they are not close too. In general, men are more private than women.
Not only being private in public, men like to keep certain level of privacy to themselves even when they are in happy relationship.
Privacy does not mean secret. Privacy is the time men like to spend with themselves, doing nothing, thinking nothing, or thinking something with a clear logic. Being private doesn’t mean they always need to hide somewhere, or stay away from everyone. A man can be with his wife, or girlfriend, but suddenly sinks into a deep thinking mood, not attentive to the conversation at a hand. Sometimes he’ll just choose to read quietly, with no interest of talking at all. The private moment for men is the space they do not want to be interrupted.
Lots of women don’t understand how important this ‘space’ is for men. They take it personally, making them feel insecure. For instance when a man suddenly becomes quiet, his girlfriend will become paranoid about his feeling about her. Or when a man decides to go out with his friends just for one night, because he needs a bit of space, his girlfriend will naturally suspect he is seeing another woman. Or when a man is absent-minded while his wife is talking, he is regarded as being rude. Feeling insecure, many women choose to talk to their men about this issue, unfortunately the more they try to talk, the more claustrophobic the men become.
Sometimes due to their motherly nature, some women like to look after their men. When a woman cares about a man, she cares about everything, including his food, his health, his vitamins, his interests, his job, his clothes, etc. She effectively acts like his mother, always reminding him, or teaching him what to do. To him, she is not romantic at all. He needs space, not a mother.
To respect a man’s nature, women should learn to give their men the space they need. When they don’t feel like talking, women should not push. When they like to go out with friends, women should encourage them. At home, if they like to do something of their own, just let them. When a man is reading, his girlfriend should not interrupt. Just go out, or find something interesting to do. The more independent a woman can be the more freedom a man will have. The more freedom he has, the more love he will give to her. He wins, you win!